Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Baby Goggles

Every first time mom has something I like to call "Baby Goggles".

Kind of like beer goggles, but you don't get them from drinking beer, although it is possible you ended up pregnant from drinking beer.

Baby goggles happen the moment you see those lines or that word on a pregnancy test.

First time mom's have no clue.

I didn't, I proudly wore my baby goggles.

Here is just a bit of what baby goggles do to first time mom's to be.

You suddenly become the authority on all baby gear, mom's you know cannot talk you out of those things that you will eventually find completely ridiculous.  For example, Bumbo seats, 8000 receiving blankets, purchasing a breast pump 8 months before you give birth, stock in Johnson & Johnson wash, shopping cart covers, etc.....  Just think of all the stuff you bought as a 1st time mom thinking it was just the greatest thing ever, only to find yourself trying to unload it within weeks of giving birth or wondering why you still have 20 unopened bottles of Johnson & Johnson wash left after 2 years.

You think that after the baby is born life pretty much goes back to the way it was, except now you have a baby. Squeeeeee!!!!!!

Your husband will sit next to you as you breastfeed and stare at you with awwwwww, it will just be so super special.

Your milk would NEVER projectile across a room, that is false.

Your baby will only cry when hungry, only babies with terrible parents cry for no reason.

You WILL be the hottest mom on the block, those moms that leave the house looking like disheveled wrecks are just feeling sorry for themselves, you will be a hot mom and nobody will stop you.

Baby weight?  I plan on leaving the hospital in my pre-pregnancy jeans!  See hot mom comment above.

My child will sleep through the night from birth, again, only babies with parents who don't care wake up all the time.

My husband will love getting up with the baby at night to feed him or her, he says he will, he says he really will do it.  It will be their time to bond.   It will be super duper.

If you are planning on staying home you are already thinking of how much you will accomplish, all those things that have eluded you because of work will now be done, it will be great.  Not to mention all the TV you will catch up on.

When your child enters the toddler stage he or she will never have fits in public, never.  Those kids you have seen while out and about that are crying in shopping carts or flipping out over something they can't have, again, their parents just don't care about them and they are brats.  My kid won't do this.

The nursery will look perfect all the time, exactly the way it did the moment we hung the last letter on the wall that spelled out our precious ones name.

My house will not be taken over by baby gear or toys, it just won't happen.  Little one will play in the 12x12 corner of the family room we have set aside, the toys will never leave that area.  I won't be the mom complaining that I stepped on little ones cars yet again and hurt my foot.

Diaper changes will just be breezy, people that have trouble changing a moving toddlers diaper are just morons, don't they know how to hold a kid down?

My child will always have his or her hair brushed and always leave the house in a matching outfit.  Parents who take their kids out in pajamas and crazy hair are well, CRAZY!

I will look amazing during labor and delivery.  My hair will look amazing, my makeup will look amazing and I am taking my own, very fashionable hospital gown, I will not wear that pink, floral frock with breastfeeding flaps.

Oh the baby goggles.

Everytime I see a new first time mom to be I just giggle to myself knowing that she is clueless.

What did baby goggles do to you as a first time mom to be?

1 comment:

The Random Blogette said...

I love this! I thought everything would be just great and I would glow throughout my whole pregnancy. Too bad I lost my job and was sick the first trimester so bad that I ended up getting IVs frequently.